BELLINGHAM, Wash. — The Bellingham mayor unveiled a controversial transportation proposal Wednesday that would introduce an additional 69-cent-per-gallon local fuel tax aimed at funding what city officials describe as “the most ambitious bicycle infrastructure expansion in Whatcom County history.”

According to early concept plans, the proposal would add over 240 miles of new bicycle lanes throughout Bellingham and surrounding areas, including roads where officials admit “nobody has ever asked for one.”

The expansion would reportedly include new bicycle lanes along:

  • Meridian Street.
  • Lakeway Drive.
  • Bakerview Road.
  • Northwest Avenue.
  • Every major arterial in Bellingham.
  • Rural one-lane county roads throughout Whatcom County.
  • Several roads that currently don’t have enough room for another lane.

City planners say the project will simply “make room.”

Concept drawings show existing vehicle lanes being narrowed by “a few feet each” to accommodate the new bicycle infrastructure.

“This project is about giving residents more transportation choices,” one city planner explained.

“If your truck no longer fits comfortably in the lane, that’s simply encouragement to consider cycling.”

The proposal also introduces the Pedal Rewards Initiative, which would reportedly pay residents $2.75 for every mile ridden by bicycle instead of driven by car.

Officials estimate the average Bellingham cyclist could earn enough each month to purchase “at least one locally roasted coffee.”

Funding for the incentive program would come entirely from the proposed fuel tax.

When asked whether motorists might object to paying higher gas prices while simultaneously funding incentives for people not to drive, city officials described the plan as “a positive feedback loop.”

The proposal goes even further.

Under a draft ordinance currently being reviewed, the city would ask the Bellingham Police Department to prioritize traffic enforcement for personal vehicles traveling through downtown between 6:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.

Officials insist the measure is intended to “encourage alternative transportation,” not punish drivers.

Violations could reportedly include:

  • Driving fewer than three blocks instead of walking.
  • Using a pickup truck to buy a gallon of milk.
  • Entering downtown without “first considering a bicycle.”

City Hall emphasized that officers would continue exercising discretion.

“We’re not saying people can’t drive downtown,” one spokesperson explained.

“We’re just saying we’d like them to feel… gently discouraged.”

Transportation analysts estimate the proposal would increase Bellingham’s bike lane network by nearly 400%, eventually placing every resident within ten feet of a bicycle lane, regardless of where they live.

The long-term vision also includes connecting the city’s bike lane network into rural Whatcom County.

One draft map shows dedicated bicycle lanes extending through farmland, forests, dead-end gravel roads, and one cattle crossing where cyclists would be asked to “yield to emotionally invested cows.”

Reaction online was immediate.

Within an hour of the proposal’s release, local Facebook groups had generated thousands of comments, dozens of Photoshop edits, and approximately 600 people announcing they were “moving to Idaho.”

As of publication, none had reportedly begun packing.

The mayor’s office declined further comment but confirmed that Phase Two of the transportation plan would explore replacing selected downtown parking spaces with “community mindfulness gardens” and expanding bicycle access to “wherever there’s still enough pavement left.”

Editor’s Note: This article is satire. No such 69-cent local gas tax, bicycle incentive program, or downtown driving ordinance has been proposed by the City of Bellingham.