BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Downtown Bellingham welcomed its newest luxury living experience this week with the grand opening of THEM & THEY, a six-story residential development promising “elevated urban living for the modern individual,” starting at $2,400 a month for a 340-square-foot studio.

The building, which local residents have described as “another gray one,” features exposed ductwork, a lobby that smells faintly of drywall, and a name that no one can explain, pronounce with confidence, or say out loud without pausing first.

“We wanted a name that reflects the community”

Said a leasing agent who declined to reflect on the community.

“THEM & THEY represents connection, belonging, and a starting rent that is technically a number.”

Prospective tenants were quick to point out that the advertised $2,400 rate does not include parking, which is available for an additional $300 per month in a garage located across the street, behind a second garage, accessible only during hours the leasing office described as “flexible.”

“So it’s $2,700 to live in a room where I can touch both walls,” said one applicant, standing in the model unit, touching both walls. “And the walls are the amenity, apparently. There’s a QR code on the fridge that links to a Spotify playlist. That’s listed under ‘wellness.’”

Amenities at THEM & THEY reportedly include a “co-working nook” (one stool), a “curated micro-market” (vending machine), a rooftop “sky lounge” (roof), and a fitness center featuring a single Peloton with a note taped to it that reads “please be respectful of THEM & THEY.”

Editor’s note: This is satire. THEM & THEY isn’t a real development and those exact numbers are made up. But Bellingham’s rent really is this rough, the housing market really is this bad, and it only seems to be getting worse.