BELLINGHAM, Wash. — In a bold move to get guns off the streets and into an evidence locker, the Whatcom County Sheriff's Office announced Whatcom Safe Exchange, a voluntary firearm turn-in program that promises residents generous compensation for their unwanted weapons. There is just one small catch that has the community talking: the compensation.

While early materials described "cash cards valued based on firearm type," residents who read the fine print discovered a reward structure that officials are calling "competitive" and gun owners are calling "a war crime."

The reward tiers

According to a breakdown that absolutely no economist reviewed, participants can expect the following in exchange for their firearms:

• Handguns: One (1) 20% off coupon at Applebee’s, valid Monday through Thursday, excluding holidays and the good appetizers.

• Rifles: A Mallard’s Ice Cream punch card, pre-punched three times, leaving only seven punches until a free single scoop.

• Shotguns: A buy-one-get-one car wash voucher, expired.

• Assault-style weapons: A commemorative tote bag and “a firm handshake from a deputy.”

• Antique or inherited firearms: A heartfelt thank-you note and 10% off your next oil change at a participating location that is no longer in business.

Officials emphasized that the tote bag is “very sturdy.”

The community responds

The announcement was met with the kind of measured, level-headed discourse Whatcom County Facebook is known for.

“Let me get this straight,” wrote one commenter whose profile picture was an eagle superimposed on a flag superimposed on another eagle. “You want my grandfather’s shotgun and in return I get mozzarella sticks at a discount? On a Tuesday?”

Others took a more entrepreneurial approach.

“Anyone turning in a firearm, don’t. Meet me at the FFL on Meridian, I will pay you actual United States dollars,” wrote a man who has since received 340 friend requests. Within hours, the comment section had reportedly organized a more functional and better-priced firearms marketplace than the one the county was proposing.

At least one commenter expressed cautious interest. “Is the Applebee’s coupon stackable,” they asked. The Sheriff’s Office has not responded.

The county defends the program

A county spokesperson defended the reward structure, noting that the program was never intended to match market value. “This is about community safety, not making people rich,” the spokesperson said. “Also the Applebee’s spinach dip is legitimately good and we stand by that reward.”

Pressed on why anyone would accept a pre-punched ice cream card over cash, the spokesperson reportedly stared into the middle distance for several seconds before responding, “Have you had Mallard’s? The brown sugar vanilla is worth at least a handgun.”

The program is real. The rewards, mercifully, are not. Whatcom Safe Exchange does exist as a genuine voluntary firearm turn-in program funded through the Washington State Attorney General’s Office, and it does offer actual cash cards, not coupons. Residents with real questions can contact the Whatcom County Sheriff’s Office or visit the program’s website.

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Editor's note: This is a work of satire. The gun buyback program is real, but the reward tiers, quotes, commenters, and the deputy's firm handshake are entirely fictional and intended for humor. No actual Applebee's coupons are involved, which is honestly the saddest part.