BELLINGHAM, Wash. — City officials unveiled a bold new plan for the King Mountain homeless encampment this week, announcing that the site will be transformed into a luxury tiny home village housing its current residents.

The project will be administered by the Permanent Integrated Shelter System, which operates under the Sustainable Housing Investment Trust and reports directly to the mayor’s office. Officials say the layered structure ensures accountability at every level.

The commission unveiled its logo last month: a stylized water droplet set against a pale yellow background, designed by an outside consulting firm at a cost of $14,000 in taxpayer funds.

Under the proposal, the village will include dozens of upscale units equipped with solar panels, high-speed internet, mini-fridges, and state-of-the-art shopping carts featuring hybrid battery systems for easy navigation plus USB ports to charge phones on the go.

“After years of clearing the camp, moving residents elsewhere, and watching them cycle back to King Mountain, we realized the most compassionate solution was to upgrade the spot they clearly prefer,” a city spokesperson said.

To address ongoing concerns about property crime near the Walmart, Cordata Center and Target just down the road, the program will include a Theft Loyalty Punch Card program.

Each participant will earn a stamp for each qualifying incident under the state’s low-dollar theft threshold. After five punches, residents will receive a premium “Frequent Visitor” package including priority access to city services and a commemorative tote bag that says “I ♥ Retail.”

“Our laws already treat repeated low-level theft as more of a suggestion than a crime,” the spokesperson explained. “We’re simply formalizing the process so everyone can feel recognized for their contributions to the local economy.”

Additional luxury features will include:

• A shared Resource Hub stocked with artisanal toiletries and prominently displayed Narcan kits in elegant dispensers.

• Mandatory weekly “Unhoused Leadership Council” meetings where residents will vote on which brand of government-issued socks best represents their personal brand.

• A paved walking path connecting the village directly to the Cordata retail corridor, described in planning documents as a wellness trail.

Funding for the project will come from a new 0.5% 'Compassion Levy' on all local beer sales, which officials project will generate enough revenue "so long as the brewery district performs as expected."

Environmental groups have raised concerns about the development’s impact on the area, but city leaders countered by promising to plant several native ferns and designate a small “meditation zone” where residents can reflect on systemic issues between trips to the store.

Neighborhood residents who have watched the encampment situation repeat for years offered mixed reactions.

“If they’re going to keep coming back anyway, at least give them better tents,” said one longtime resident. “The tiny homes look nicer than my actual house.”

Construction is expected to be complete by Thanksgiving, which officials called a fitting gesture.

At press time, outreach teams were helping current King Mountain residents complete applications for the new units while reminding them that the old tents should be broken down in an orderly fashion this time.

Editor’s Note: This article is satire. No such luxury tiny home village has been proposed, though the recurring game of encampment whack-a-mole remains very real.